Middle age musings

I think about white water kayaking whenever I hear roaring water, as I did in the glen yesterday. The noise gives me a heightened level of anxiety that does not dissipate until quiet is restored.

I kayaked for a while in my mid-40s but never mastered the combat roll (a maneuver required when you are upside down in roiling water). I never mastered the eddy turn on a strong eddy line, or reading the water to pick your path through dangerous rapids. I still don't know what to do if you get caught in a hole--a powerful water churn that may or may not spit you out. I could get down the Lehigh in one piece, but not without a guide and not without someone to help me get sorted after flipping over. And not without a certain amount of terror.

So kayaking falls into the same category as showing horses, rugby, running, swimming, triathlons, mountain hiking, scuba diving, mentoring at-risk youth, foster parenting, gestalt therapy, Landmark training, justice activism, even writing, to some degree. I can stumble my way through it, but I don't excel and I never feel I have mastered the task at hand. My last volunteer assignment was as an ESL teacher, at which I felt completely useless.

All of this is not to say that I don't see the gifts from each of these endeavors. Kayaking down the Lehigh is a gorgeous experience, offering views you can obtain no other way. The views from nearly 12,000 feet in the Andes are another cherished memory. I absolutely loved being around horses during my adolescence. I still enjoy running, even though I'm not at competition level. So I fully understand that excelling at each of these things wasn't the point.

I think the danger of middle age is the narrative one builds, consciously or unconsiously, on the cumulative experince of one's life. As I look to the next chapter in my life, I can listen to one narrative that says: "Why bother trying anything new/challenging/complicated/different when you've shown the only thing you do consistently well is come up short of the mark."
Or:
"Throughout your life you have seen that the rewards in life are commensurate with the risks you take. Go for it!"

I really think that is middle age in a nutshell. Plow on or retrench. That choice has been there all along, however as you get older there's more evidence mounting to support each narrative.